Acting Out (I'll Walk This Way)

I’m generally like to imagine I’m a calm, collected, neat, nice person. I usually do a pretty darn good job convincing myself that this is true. Don’t you? But the reality is, I’m a freakin WRECK. And it totally side blinds me. One minute I’m all, “it’s cool, we’re cool, everythings cool, whatevs” and then OH MY GOD THE SHIT IS GOING D.O.W.N.

I’ll call it reacting. It’s really all semantics but some words just say what I want to say. In this case, it’s reaction and action. Reaction is when I freak. When it hits the fan and I respond to it without even thinking. It’s blind almost. It’s usually not good for me or anyone around me. It comes from a painful place in me; hurt, bitterness. It’s my survival mode. I feel attacked, so I get real defensive. I feel disrespected so I put someone else down. I feel controlled and under pressure so I bust out with all sorts of crazy emotions to relieve it. It is not good.

Action, on the other hand is the polar opposite. It’s when I create something (an action) out of a free, open, space. Where I am aware of what I am doing, have thought it through and planned it out. It comes from a place of patience, kindness and compassion. It’s a good decision. It doesn’t feel threatened or defensive. Instead it offers something to someone else instead of pushing them away. It gives, instead of begs.

Saint John calls it love vs fear and henri nouwen calls it hospitality vs hostility. Action vs. reaction. I’m usually living somewhere in the middle of the two. I love at times and am scared to death at times. I’m hostile and critical in one breath and offer forgiveness in the next. I’m doing something with a purpose one minute and the next I’m just waiting for someone to do something to me. But the choice is there.

It essentially is a survival instinct. We’re afraid of death. But Love has conquered death. We’re afraid of what others will do to us that could kill our reputation. But Love gives us our identity. Something happens and we flee or fight. Love is silent and submissive. Turns the other cheek.

Reaction has no intentionality; it is wild, uncontrollable. Intentionality is all that action is. Purposeful, meaningful. I want to come from a place of Love. Where I am not afraid of being attacked or what others may think of me. Where I don’t react in defense but I offer an open safety to others. That is peace. Jesus never reacted. He always knew what the Father was doing. He was always acting, doing what the Father was doing. Oh, if I could live in that safe place, that home.

I have read St. Francis’ prayer many times, but this time one specific part stood out to me. Because I realized I had no idea what it meant,

“Oh divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love; for it is in giving that we receive, it is in pardoning that we are pardoned, and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.”

I have always thought that I needed to be loved, to be understood. That I couldn’t function without those. And maybe, on some level it’s true. But when I find myself reacting, it’s because I’ve forgotten that I’m already loved and understood by my creator. But I try to find it in another people. It’s when I don’t feel loved by other people or other people don’t understand me that I react out of fear in hostility. But this prayer helped me see that giving love and understanding and consolation are better. That is actually what I should seek. To give. To reach out. I’m so busy looking for what I already have. Once I see that I have it, then I can move from that place and give. That is action. I don’t have to be afraid of being hurt or liked. I don’t have to explain things or impress anyone-what happiness!

deMello says it well,

“There is yet another illusion, that it is important to be respectable, to be loved and appreciated, to be important. Many say we have a natural urge to be loved and appreciated, to belong. That’s false. Drop this illusion and you will find happiness. We have a natural urge to be free, a natural urge to love, but not to be loved. Sometimes in my psycho-therapy session I encounter a very common problem: Nobody loves me; how, then, can I be happy? I explain to him or her: “you mean you never have any moments when you forget you’re not loved and you let go and are happy?” of course they have….

In India, many of our poor people are starting to get transistor radios, which are quite a luxury. “everybody has a transistor,” you hear, “but I don’t have a transistor, I’m so unhappy.” Until everyone started getting transistors, they were perfectly happy without one. That’s the way it is with you. Until somebody told you you wouldn’t be happy unless you were loved, you were perfectly happy. You can become happy not being loved, not being desired by or attractive to someone. You become happy by contact with reality. That’s what bring happiness, a moment-by-moment contact with reality. That’s where you’ll find God; that’s where you’ll find happiness. But most people are not ready to hear that.”

Remember, remember your First Love. Stop seeking. It’s already yours. You need nothing from any person. You need only to love and give. Reach out. Offer. Act.

I’m write these words not as one who practices them well but as one who hopes that the reading of her own words will inspire her to do the very things she writes of.

I'll Walk This Way Blog